Gods and Mouse-users
by Aidan1
Summary: Buffy protects Connor. Don't be mean, she doesn't know any better.
1. Default Chapter

Dawn flipped back her shimmering, brilliant, sparkling, really, really frickin shiny hair back as she entered her home. It was dark, dark like some really dark thing. Maybe like the hair on pandas, not the white part, but the black part. In shadows, yeah, that too. Dawn, with her gleaming hair swaying behind her, called out, "Anybody home? I need someone to pay attention to me in the next ten seconds or I'm going to implode. Hello?"  
  
Buffy lied on her soft, cushiony bed, her sharp shoulder blades slashing through the sheets and into the bed springs. She went to sit up and found herself caught. "Damn!" she cursed as she reached behind her and extracted her bones from her bed, "I hate when this happens."  
  
"Its happened ever since your Junior year in high school." Said the dark figure in the corner of her room.  
  
"Angel! Oh my God-  
  
"Goddess." Angel corrected her, but Buffy waved her pencil–thin finger at him.  
  
"No, wrong story. Listen, how did you-" A loud 'pop!' interrupted Buffy's speech, but she continued on, "Wow, what was that?"  
  
"Smells like hair product. Lets open a window." Buffy lifted her skeleton off the bed and walked over to the window, but Angel moved faster and lifted it for her. "I'm always your champion."  
  
"Yeah, except for the many countless number of times where you aren't, yes, you are always my champion. Now, as I was saying, why did you come back?"  
  
"Because I have a surprise."  
  
"Oh, really?" Buffy sat down on her bed, careful not to puncture the mattress with her lack of ass, "Because I hate surprises but am willing to pretend I love them for this overly contrived situation." Angel jumped up and down.  
  
"Yay!" He clapped a few times, then settled down and walked towards Buffy's closet. "You'll never guess," Angle opened the door and Buffy could hear a baby crying.  
  
"Oh my god," Buffy put a hand to her mouth, "You stole a baby?"  
  
"No, silly-billy," Angel said with a goofy grin on his face passing for humor as he lifted up the baby to show her, "I made one!"  
  
"Are you sure you didn't steal one?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure. The powers that be gave me this child as a present, then took it away, but they gave it back to me for a day to show you." Angel continued to speak with his idiotic grin.  
  
"The powers that be?" Buffy tilted her head and stared at her ex- flame and his baby quizzically.  
  
"You know, the guys that brought me back from the dead when you killed me."  
  
"Yeah…I'm still kind of off on the whole details as to why and how you were brought back."  
  
"So I could move to Los Angeles and meet up with Doyle and Cordelia. MmmmDoyle." Angel sighed for a moment and began to drop the baby. Thinking quickly, Buffy kicked a pillow over to his feet and the baby dropped down, unharmed.  
  
"Right. Still doesn't make any sense. Whatever. How did you get this baby? Did a stork come?"  
  
"No, not at all, Buffy. I- well, you may be a little peeved, but, I had the baby when Darla and I had sex when she was human!"  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I told Cordy it meant nothing, and it truly didn't'." Buffy stood up and knocked the vampire into a wall. The baby squealed with laughter.  
  
"Cordy, you told? You- Darla? Darla? Huh? What? And also, huh?" Angel stood up and held Buffy's bony hands.  
  
"Yes, well, I had to. She and my group saw the baby first. Plus, well…"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Well," Angel gave a pathetic version of a sheepish grin, appearing like a twenty-something Sling Blade in the process, "I kinda likes her. We have kai-rumption."  
  
"You have what?"  
  
"We, we have a love thang." Buffy sat at her desk and put her head in her hands.  
  
"I can't believe I slept with you." Angel paced around the room and his foot began its decent down onto the baby. Buffy saw this and leapt out of her seat and dived on top of the baby.  
  
"What are you doing? Don't touch my baby, only I can hold him, except when I'm not." Angel snatched the child up from the floor and growled at Buffy.  
  
"Oh, yeah, watch me fear you."  
  
"Watch this, Buf." Angel held the baby over his mouth and opened wide.  
  
"Buf? Wait, you're-"  
  
"Yeah. I'm back baby-babe." Buffy stood up and flapped his coat open.  
  
"Damn it. Velvet shirt, I should have known."  
  
"Enough!" Angelous bitch slapped Buffy to the ground, then bit the baby's finger.  
  
"I should have said that five minutes ago!" Buffy kicked out her leg, catching Angelis under the knee, and causing him to fall and drop the mistake onto the bed. Buffy quickly stood up, snatched the baby, and ran out of the room coughing briefly as the smell of a hair salon hit her in the hall, she ran into Willow's room. "Willow!"  
  
"What?" Willow sat up on her bed, wiping her bleeding nose.  
  
"We have to go-Angel is bad- He's here-Baby- Wrong- Bad- Nose?" Buffy wiped some of the blood off Willow's nose.  
  
"It isn't magic, I swear! Its just regular crack!"  
  
"Oh. Thank god." Buffy heaved a sigh of relief, then grabbed Willow's arm with her free hand and ran downstairs and out of the house.  
  
More to come 


	2. Chapter 2 Piggies

Xander stared out the window of his ridiculously large apartment and sighed heavily. A few notes began to play on the piano, which came from nowhere. "Oh, I wish I had a plot. If I wasn't so damn puffy, if I was having sex with Buffy, if I only had a plot."  
  
"Zander!" Buffy broke through the door, dragging Willow and the accident with her.  
  
"Buffy!" Xander stood up, then looked over at his redheaded friend. "What the hell is up with your nose?" Willow sniffs and then grabs a hunk of tissues to try and stop the bleeding.  
  
"Don't worry, it's not magic, its not addictive."  
  
"'K. Buffy, what's up, and why do you have a baby?"  
  
"Don't worry, not mine. Ok, worry, because it's Angel's and now he's evil again and my house smells like wine and cheese and hair. Can you hold onto Willow and the baby for a while, why I go and get Tara?"  
  
"Sure, I guess," Xander then turned to Willow, who was pouring different chemicals into a pot in the kitchen. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Don't worry, its just meth. Its not magic."  
  
"Good. Lets keep it that way. Now you little baby, you are going to- ewww. It's pooping. Evil." Xander sets off into the bathroom to fix up the crack-baby, as Willow takes out a doobie and lights up using the stove.  
  
Meanwhile, in a cemetery not far from Sunnydale U, Buffy ran at her top slayer speed, and aided by the fact that Buffy weighs about as much as a balloon, she barely touched the ground as she went. Her mind was set, she would complete her mission, she would get Tara, she would-  
  
"Hey, Slaya-slay." She would stop and wait and banter with Spike, who stood in the middle of the graveyard, smoking a cigarette.  
  
"Hello, Spike. I hate you. I love you. I love/hate you-" Spike swiftly moved toward her, getting up all in her business and such.  
  
"Come on pet. You know what you want, luv."  
  
"I lote you." Spike smiled that dastardly, smoldering, powerful, hypnotic, sexy and other adjective-y type stuff smile of his.  
  
"Well, doll, I lote you too. Now lets go shag, ok, girl?" Spike began fingering Buffy's coat sleeve.  
  
"What are you looking for?" Buffy asked demurely.  
  
"Ahh, there it is, baby." Spike slipped a tissue out of the sleeve. "Damn, unused," he tossed it to the ground, "I guess I'm gonna have to get excited the old-fashioned way.  
  
"You're gonna make me poetry?" Spike slapped her.  
  
"You know what, bitch, I don't need this from you. Just give me sex and a little bit of pillow talk and maybe some potpourri and I'm fine. But noooooo, you have to go around insulting me. Well I won't take it!" Buffy wiped blood from her lip and got into a fighting position.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I notice how you're not going to take it. Its amazing how you've not taken it for two years here. Why don't you just crawl into a hole and die. Or maybe we should have sex. I'm tired, give me your penis."  
  
"What?" Spike's jaw dropped.  
  
"Ya wanna stick it in? Well, here it is. This is boring me and I have to be somewhere so could you please be a 'one minute man' for this one, 'K?" Buffy stood, her hands on her knobby hips, and waited impatiently for the sputtering Spike to respond. "Come on, I'm a really tiny woman, wanna back that thing up. I'll call you big daddy-"  
  
"Ready!" More to shut her up than anything, Spike grabbed her and let his undead juicy-juice of undead-vampire-dead-cold-seedness of vampire loose.  
  
"Are you done yet? I have to go." Buffy tapped her fingers against a tombstone.  
  
"One more minute! RrRRrrRrrrrr" Spike purred with all his never- before purringosity.  
  
"Well I don't have another minute. Wrap your legs around my waist." Spike complied, and Buffy lifted him up and ran towards Tara's dorm in what was the weirdest piggyback ride ever. "We're here." Buffy squeezed her bones together and bent back, causing Spike to fall out and onto the grass. She then pulled her underwear up as she ran into the dorm rooms.  
  
"Bellus ruber lumen!" Tara waved her hands out and streams of color floated around her. "Oooo, pretty red light!"  
  
"Anybody home?" Buffy broke the door down as she spoke, "Tara!"  
  
"Buffy? Hi, and why? Door, with its, not being up and stuff."  
  
"No time to explain, we have to go."  
  
"Go where? Everyplace in Sunnydale is about ten minutes away." Buffy lifted Tara over her left shoulder.  
  
"No time, have to go."  
  
"Wow, you really have, like, no ass." Tara commented as Buffy ran out of the building and bumped into Spike, who mysteriously had another cigarette, even though his pants were approximately two miles away.  
  
"Ready for another go, sex biscuit?" Spike licked his lips.  
  
"Not now. Oh, what the hell." Buffy pulled her underwear down slightly and then continued on her way, Spike on her back, and Tara holding her ears and eyes at the same time as her head got mashed in between the two other bodies.  
  
"I'm going to need therapy! Well, more of it than I did before!"  
  
More to come 


	3. The Discussion

Angeliouso walked calmly down the street, his trench coat flapping in the wind behind him, though there was no wind even inches from his coat. He walked with purpose, he walked with a mission, he walked-  
  
"Squeaky-Squeeky." With a chew toy. He continued to squeak it as he walked down the road, periodically calling for his son.  
  
"The manger-boy is not a dog. He will not come to calls of the animals. Mogo-gee."  
  
"Dru!" Angeles rushed over to Dru and spun the crazy bitca around.  
  
"You-you have returned. The shadows greet you and drape you in their finery. Yabby-dabby." Dru hugged Angles, then began dry-humping him.  
  
"Whoa there, Dru, baby, not now. Not now. Not now!" Anjilies kicked Dru away and she pouted in a pouty way.  
  
"You're spinning, spinning colors all around. Reds and blues, reds and blues! And the Flintstones too!" She stood up and brushed her dress off. "Now what shall we do? Can we have a picnic?"  
  
"What is it with you and picnics? I only heard you say it like, twice, but now you say it like every other sentence. Why is that?"  
  
"Wa." Dru then did a cartwheel.  
  
"Riiiiiiiigggghhhht. Now lets go find some good people to kill."  
  
"Oh goody! We'll have a picnic with them!" Dru cried, right before Anghelies smacked her over the back of the head.  
  
"How- never mind I see someone to be evil to." AnJisela strode over to a little girl no more than five, tiny pigtails held up with Hello Kittie hair bands, and knocked her off her bike.  
  
"Hey, asshole! Watch it!"  
  
"Wow, kids certainly are meaner these days." Suddenly the little girl's eyes turned completely black, she stretched out her arms and levitated to a height equal to Aggies. Blue flames curled along her arms and became bubbles held in her hands.  
  
"Hera, I implore you. Destroy the infidel who dares to harm a child, your child. Protect this maiden, protect your child. Let him feel the pain of all those children before me. Hera, of this I demand thee!" The little girl's head rolled back and the blue flame balls shot out and blasted Angelliz back and through a tree. The little girl dropped to the ground and ran into her home. Dru approached her fallen sire with a quizzical look in her eyes.  
  
"Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down." Agnes stood up and shook his head at her. "Weebie-woobie?"  
  
"Shut-up."  
  
"Up-shut."  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Ti pots."  
  
"Go to hell."  
  
"Maybe we can have a picnic there!" Angelisto slapped his hand over his face, and headed toward the grave yard, when, out of the blue, the Master slammed down in front of them. "Oooo, the little white rat has come to the party, but we do not have enough plates." The Master stood up and gave a 'WTF?' face.  
  
"What the fuck is she talking about? I plop down on earth for no apparent reason, and this is the introduction I get? Some crazy bitch that talks like she's the Mad Hatter?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean, she used to make occasional sense, now she just seems to be making up things in order to be in the conversation."  
  
"Jigga-way, issu-away." Dru Nelled about the area.  
  
"Did you turn her? Is she yours?" Angelipso shook his head yes. The Master picked up a tree branch and began rapping his former pupil over the head with it, "Bad! Very, very bad!"  
  
"I'm sorry, she was just-" He is smacked again.  
  
"No! You did a bad thing. Go sit in- wait, there is no corner. Damn. Fetch the loon and follow me. We have a slayer to kill. Time to die twice, girl."  
  
"Um, Master, dude, sir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"She already died, twice. And came back again."  
  
"Oh. So, we'll open the Hellmouth again."  
  
"Already been done."  
  
"So what the fuck are we supposed to do?"  
  
"Magic starshine power hello!"  
  
"Please put a gag on her."  
  
"I did, she ate it."  
  
"Tastes like rotten burning." Dru rubbed her arm. Anglessisimo corrected her hand to her stomach and she smiled at him.  
  
"That's cuz I put holy water on it."  
  
"You are a very mean umbrella." Dru lightly tapped Angelsaka on the face, then fainted.  
  
"Pick her up. Now lets go kill the slayer and open the Hellmouth, again."  
  
"Well, we won't get points for originality."  
  
"Yeah. The East German judge is gonna eat us alive on that."  
  
"I know where we can get lovely sweets!" Dru perked her head up.  
  
"No" the two males said in unison.  
  
"At the picnic!" The Master whacked her over the head and handed her over to Anglesisuses, who lifted her up and continued walking.  
  
More to come 


	4. The Discussion Part Deux

Buffy, approaching Xander's flat, dropped Spike and Tara abruptly, causing the  
  
two to fall on one another, Tara's head resting on Spike's stomach. Shaking her head to regain composure, Tara cut herself on Spike's abs. "Oww!"  
  
"Just a little bit lower and we'll all be saying oww, muffin." Spike grinned at  
  
Tara, who, without missing a beat, waved her arms around and spoke.  
  
"Cauda accidere parvus bestia!" A blast of yellowish light covered his groin,  
  
and as Tara sat up, Spike began rolling around on the ground in pain. Buffy caught Tara's arm and stared at her in shock.  
  
"What did you do?" Tara gazed at the injured vampire with a big smirk on her  
  
face.  
  
"I turned his penis into-"  
  
"A hamster!" Spike looked down into his tight jeans, "A hamster! She made my  
  
woodie into something that lives in wood chips!"  
  
"Wow, impressive," Buffy patted Tara on the back, "Though it may be a little  
  
weird during intercourse." Tara jumped away from Buffy.  
  
"No, no more sex with him! You promised!" Tara shook Buffy's shoulders as she begged.  
  
"Oh come on, I'll just put another quarter in the 'I say I'll quit doing the  
  
nasty with a nasty but I don't' jar."  
  
"Its no longer a jar."  
  
"Well, what is it?"  
  
"Dawn's college fund."  
  
"Damn. That's a lot of sex." Spike attempted to stand , gingerly cupping his  
  
hamster.  
  
"You're telling me. Now lets go see the marshmallow puff man." The three  
  
climbed the stairs up to Xander's apartment, and found him playing catch with  
  
the busted condom. Or, more to the point, beating the kid with a whiffleball.  
  
"Zander, what the hell are you doing?"  
  
"This baby is evil! Its all evil. It kills 99.9 % of good things around it with  
  
a money-back guarantee." Xander hopped away from the mishap, keeping his eyes on  
  
it as he spoke, "This thing is some crazy shit. And Willow's doing some crazy  
  
shit in the bathroom." Buffy and Tara ran to the bathroom and swung the door  
  
open, sending billowing clouds of smoke out into the hall.  
  
"God, what is going on?" Buffy gasped as she waived away the smoke with her  
  
hand. The two ladies then trained their eyes on Willow, who knelt next to the  
  
full bathtub. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I'm just using the bathtub for bong water- No magick  
  
involved, promise." Tara stood in shock as Willow took another puff.  
  
"What the hell? You can't take drugs!" But Buffy held her back.  
  
"No, its ok. Its not magic, so she can't get addicted. Its ok."  
  
"She's taking drugs in Xander's bathroom! There is something wrong with that!"  
  
"Ok," Buffy pat Tara on the shoulder as she led her back into the living room,  
  
"as long as you believe that."  
  
In the living room, Spike was finishing up his explanation of the itch he had.  
  
"So then the sodding bitch gave me this!" He yelled as he dropped trow, causing Xander's jaw to do likewise.  
  
"Did you know you have a- a hamster, instead of something else?"  
  
"Really? Cuz I just thought she gave me a bleeding bikini wax!" Buffy began to  
  
purr. Tara tasted residual vomit.  
  
"Would you mind pulling your pants back up?"  
  
"Why, luv? You don't like wha you see?"  
  
"No. Not only are you a guy, but you have a hamster squirming about where your twig should be." Buffy giggled at Tara's comment.  
  
"Wha? So you take her side, do you? Just because she's alive? That's discrimination!"  
  
"I kill your kind. File a class-action lawsuit."  
  
"Alright then, I will. And furball here," pointing to his crotch as he lifted up his pants, "is exhibit A in the evidence."  
  
"Couldn't be grosser." Xander then moved into the forefront, holding the baby at arms length as it tries to tear at him with his fingers and bite him with his gums.  
  
"Hey, Angel is evil again, maybe we should be preparing?"  
  
"Aww, the little bugger's teething." Spike stuck out a morally ambiguous finger, and the example of the failure of the rhythm method chomped down. "Oww! The little bit bit me!"Spike hopped up and down as he ran into the kitchen, sucking on his finger.  
  
"Right. We'll all go to my house for supplies." Tara tugged on Buffy's pants. "What?"  
  
"You don't have any magical supplies at your house."  
  
"No, I don't. Magic is bad. Its addictive. Ask Willow." Willow walks out of the bathroom, stumbling slightly. "Who was on your cell phone?"  
  
"Oh, that was, that was Keri. We're each other's anchors. She fell off the wagon." Xander walked over and hugged her.  
  
"I'm so sorry," The baby ate the phone as they embraced, "Again, so sorry." Xander pulled the baby away from what was left of the phone, and Willow took another line of coke to calm her nerves.  
  
"Alright then. Lets move out. Spike, are you ready?"  
  
"Cor."  
  
"O…K… Tara, are you ready?"  
  
"I didn't bring anything."  
  
"Are you ready?"  
  
"Yes, god damnit."  
  
"Zander, are you ready?" Xander pulled on an oven mitt, then picked up the squirming, scratching baby.  
  
"Ready."  
  
"Willow, are you ready?"  
  
"Wait, I got a nosebleed." Willow looked around for a tissue.  
  
"That's alright, luv, let me get that for you." Spike began to lick Willow's gushing nosebleed like a water fountain, and Tara put her hand to her mouth to keep from screaming and/or vomiting.  
  
"Ok then, we're off." Buffy said as she walked confidently out the door.  
  
"That's for damn sure" Tara added, as she and the rest of the group followed.  
  
And once again, more to follow. 


	5. Motels

Inside a small suite at a motel, Anya sat, reading a book. She flipped back her honey-colored locks as she concentrated on the literature, until a strong gust of wind begins to flutter the pages about. Anya stood up, stretched, then made her way over to the dingy window. Staring out into the moonlit sky, she pondered for a moment. Her striking figure pensively waited in that small room for a resolution that doesn't seem to come. Dejectedly, she returned to her small discolored chair and continued reading. Then there is a knock at the door.  
  
"Xander, if that's you I'm not talking to you, except to explain that I'm not talking to you, which I have just done. So now I will use sign language to curse at you. So go." The banging stopped. It was then replaced by the sound and sight of the door being blown out of its hinged as D'Hoffryn entered, flowers and chocolate in hand. "Oh god. Listen, put the door back and-  
  
"Oh, Anya baby! Please come back ta me. Please baby, please baby, please baby baby!" D'Hoffryn was down on his knees, beggin Anya.  
  
"Listen, I don't feel very Tina Turnerish right now, so don't try and Ike me back to you. Now go. I want no part in the vengeance biz. Now shoo." Anya stepped back and pointed toward the door, and her former boss stood up.  
  
"Alright. How about I threaten your life."  
  
"No, doesn't work. Justice demons can't kill someone directly unless the sommoner attacks them, or is a man. A dirty, stinking, horrid man, who is stupid and puffy and why did he leave me, that beady-eyed bastard?" Anya buried her oat-wheat blonde haired head into D'Hoffryn's robes, crying.  
  
"There, there," he patted her head, "everything will be alright. Don't you wish everything would be alright?" Anya perked her head up, her auburn hair falling behind her.  
  
"I- wow, who the hell do you take me for? Do I look that stupid? I put vengeance demons on the map! I made our breed what it is today! I practically owned the phrase, 'Doncha just wish?' Don't ever disrespect me like that evah! Again!" With each sentence she punctuated her point with a poke to D'Hoffryn's chest. On her last sentence she pushed D'Hoffryn as hard as she could with the palms of her hands. He stumbled back, then laughed. "What is so funny?"  
  
"You just tried to kill me."  
  
"Whatevah! You know ah di-int." Anya flipped her jet black hair, tightly tied back in a ponytail, behind her.  
  
"I can kill you now. You tried to kill me."  
  
"Oh no you whoan't. I'll mess you up, bitch. Ah ain't havin' that. See, Anya don't need this. And you don't want none a dis. Whatevah!" Anya neck rolled, causing D'Hoffryn some confusion.  
  
"What?" Anya pushed D'Hoffryn back once more, sending him stumbling a few feet into the open hallway.  
  
"Don't 'what' me, beatch! Anya don't play that shit! I'll fuck you up but goooood. Anya got some booze in her gut and a knife in her pocket, and some po motha-fucka gonna get cut tonight. And ah guess it looks like its gotsta be you, punk!" Anya pushed D'Hoffryn once more, forcing him to lean against the railing of the motel hallway.  
  
"You really don't think-"  
  
"Oh, whats that now? Ah don't think? Just cuz Ah'm a human, suddenly ah can't think? Well wrap yo fool mind 'round this!" And with a final shove, Anya flipped D'hoffryn over the railing and three stories downward onto the concrete by the in-ground pool. "Punk-ass bitch," She called down to his body as she turned toward her hotel, her white-blonde bob swaying with her movements.  
  
"Um, dear?" Anya spun around to see D'Hoffryn leap up three stories and back into the hallway, "You forgot I'm a demon. And you just tried to kill me."  
  
"Oh snap!" Anya busted her ass up on- wait, what am I writing? Anya ran down the hallway and sped down the stairs as D'Hoffryn raced after her.  
  
"Let us see who is the one to bust a cap in who's ass, because I am of the opinion that it will be me capping. That is that I will be of the cap-putting in of you who I will put the cap in, and such. Yes, that is correct."  
  
  
  
More to come 


	6. Get where?

While Spike inspected his hamster in the bathroom, and Willow and Buffy discussed battle strategies, Tara and Xander, and misconception sat in the living room, discussing the weird happenings in good ol' Sunny-D.  
  
"So, how's the carpentry business treating you?" Tara looked over at Xander, who sat atop a laundry basket, the fetal fallacy inside, growling.  
  
"Good, good. How's the lesbian witch thing going?"  
  
"Can't complain. Well, I can, but then, I'd be taking time away from Buffy."  
  
"And Spike. God, what is up with that guy? Its like he has Buffy on the brain twenty-four six."  
  
"Huh? They're having sex together so, I would imagine that they would have a lot of-"  
  
"But what connection could he have with her. It can't be sex, I know that much. I-"  
  
"No matter what I say about Buffy and Spike you are just going to pretend that it never happened, aren't you?"  
  
"What? Couldn't hear you." Tara fell back against the couch as Xander went on, "Its like- its like I don't even exist anymore. I mean, Anya and I have our own issues, but suddenly its like 'All. About. Buffy.' Well excuse me for not wanting to failing at something. The one time she pays attention to me."  
  
"Yeah. Well, I got brain-sucked by a God and brain-wiped by my girlfriend who used magic to insert her- when cousin Delores came to visit- "  
  
"Ewww, and also, yuuuuck."  
  
"I know. And then what does she do? She gets all up into stupid magic and now its all 'Great job, Willow'. God, I mean, why can't I get some recognition for not fucking myself up?" Xander smiled, then kicked the basket to make sure the post-placental problem was still alive.  
  
"What are you going to do? Unless you're Spike, Willow, or Dawn, Buffy and everybody else don't give a rat's ass."  
  
"It sucks."  
  
"Wait, I know!" Xander rushed into Buffy's room and ran back down the stairs, a brown wig on his head. "Look at me, I'm Dawn, pouty-pout-pout!" Tara fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.  
  
"Do it again!"  
  
"Ok, um…Oh, no thanks. I'd like real food. I'd like to prance around all the time. Now where's my comb? Oh, there it is. Now I can find something else to whine about. Get out, get out get out." Xander spoke in a high pitched, nasaly, sing-songy voice as he danced around the room, careful to avoid Tara, who was now rolling on the floor laughing. Hearing what they believed to be Dawn's voice, Buffy and Willow entered the living room, in time to see Xander's continued rant. "Oh, I'm so pretty ugly. Everybody love me, pay attention to me! Make me happy, make me less mopey! Give me hair products!"  
  
"Zander, what are you doing?" Buffy stood, her sticks crossed over her- I guess that's what passes for a chest for her now.  
  
"Sorry, Buffy. Xander was just putting on a play for me. It was all in fun."  
  
"Fun? Do you think Dawn is fun? Dawn is never to be fun!" Willow began giggling. "Stop that! You're just high on non-magic weed!"  
  
"'Dawn is never fun', bwaa!" Willow began wheezing and sat down in a chair, then fell off it. The other two Scoobies continued to laugh, until-  
  
"You have brought me back through your insults."  
  
"What?" The group turned and saw an apparition, or, rather, an image of Dawn, which became clearer each moment she stood there.  
  
"You dare to insult me, when I need attention? I crave attention, I deserve attention? Well, you don't even have me half way right. The correct way to do it is," Dawn took in a breath, and her new, tight, blood red clothing swelled as she did so. "Get out, GET OUT, GET OUT!" A whoosh of air flew from her pouty mouth, knocking Tara, Buffy, and Xander against the far wall. Willow, thankfully, did not move, as she was so high she defied all logic. "Now, who wants some?"  
  
"Puella habere altus vox relegare!" Tara shot her hand out and Dawn was thrown to the side and out the door.  
  
"Whoa, you're," Willow periodically stopped to giggle, "You're like a witch… that's like bitch…Hey! You used to be my bitch! Whoa, I'm gonna fall!"  
  
"You're on the floor." Xander replied, but too late. Buffy had already run to her side, lifting her friend up off the floor. "Um, hey, I think my arm's broken? Oh well, now what do we do?"  
  
more to come 


	7. Walk and Talk

The Master, Angelina, and Dru continued on their way, stopping only twice. The first time, to feed off a group of teens at a park. The second time, because Dru had to pee. They reached the graveyard and took in the smell of death. "Its beautiful!" Dru gasped.  
  
"It is, but if you say one word about picnics I swear I'm gonna-" The Master put his hand up, silencing Angelilis.  
  
"She was here. But now, now-"  
  
"She is not."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No wonder she killed you." Angel leaned against a tree while Dru gathered moss and rolled it up into little balls.  
  
"Oh yeah, well, um-"  
  
"The princess in the tower threw the dark prince out. Oh, he had been naughty, very much, very much. He went away as the swallows go."  
  
"I believe that means she killed you to."  
  
"In Dru-speak, yes. But it wasn't my fault!"  
  
"It never is. You never take responsibility for your actions." Abudabi folded his arms across his chest and glowered at the Master.  
  
"I do too! You just never bothered to look when I did. All you could do was just point out my faults!"  
  
"But you had so many of them!"  
  
"You never listen!"  
  
"Neither do you! You can't take criticism, that's why you ran away!"  
  
"I had to, you were stifling me!"  
  
"Oh, sorry I was 'crampin your style', I was too busy making sure you had a roof over your head!"  
  
"Well you did a lousy job of that, just like you did a lousy job of raising me, dad!"  
  
"I can tell that now, boy!" The two men stopped, looked at each other, then away, then back at each other. "Well, that was- weird."  
  
"Odd mental place." The two backed away from one another, and instead decided to focus on Dru, who was assembling balls of moss on a tombstone. "Dru, baby, what are you doing?"  
  
"I don't have my dolls with me, so I made my own. This, this is Dinah. She's special."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"An bit o tequila came with it." Dru opened her mouth to reveal an earthworm wriggling inside.  
  
"Um, dear, that's a totally different kind of worm." The Master rolled his eyes and then searched the night sky, for what, he did not know. Oh, yeah, he did. "There!" He pointed into the distance.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Puppies fly over mountains, but cats grow in the snow." The two male vamps turned back to stare at her, as she giggled at a joke which was truly all her own.  
  
"Anyway, look over there."  
  
"That looks like-"  
  
"The hair, its blinding."  
  
"Who are you?" Dawn ran up to the three vamps.  
  
"You know who I am, Dawnie-pie." Annielous smiled.  
  
"Yes. Now Get out!"  
  
"We are outside."  
  
"Oh. Damn. Um…"  
  
"No matter," the Master pulled his arm over her shoulders, "We'll all make a fine gang."  
  
"You want me to join your gang?" Dawn's enormous eyes lit up.  
  
"Yes. You will help us kill people."  
  
"Oh, but killing is wrong." Dawn pouted, folding her arms over her chest, which had actually been done so many times that there was a groove there.  
  
"But we will pay attention to you."  
  
"Ok!" Dawn gave the Master a big hug, then skipped along with him as they headed towards the graveyard. Dru rolled and flapped along the concrete, pretending she was a fish.  
  
"So, pouted any good pouts lately?" Angelissimo inquired.  
  
"Oh, I pouted a great pout earlier, but then Tara had to magic me away. Talkative ho bag." Dawn's eye twitched as she spoke, and her hair began to lift up, though there was no wind around.  
  
"Hey!" Abby-doobie pulled her hair down, "Only my coat may do that!"  
  
"Maaasster! He won't let me lift my gloriously beautiful ultra-shiny hair!" Dawn stomped her foot.  
  
"Childeses, stop fighting. We need to gather our strength. It is time to assemble. We are at the graveyard."  
  
"Why are we here?"  
  
"For them." The Master pointed to a group of people climbing out of the bushes. Darla, Mr. Trick, Sunday, Olaf, Warren, the demonized version of the Mayor, and Harmony climbed out from behind one solitary rose bush.  
  
"Wow. Is there, like, an alternate universe behind that bush?" Darla ignored Dawn's question, knocking her over as she approached Angelangel.  
  
"Hey, lover. Are you evil?"  
  
"Yeah. Are you really alive, again?"  
  
"Yeah," she breathed, "Amazing what a little fan wank can do for a vamp's lifespan." They kissed. Hot, steamy, sweaty, mildew-y, kisses.  
  
"Alright," the Master called everyone to order, "Lets get this killing spree started!"  
  
"Um, will there be cat dander where we're going?" the Mayor questioned, "Because that's one of my major pet peeves." 


	8. Lets go for a ride

Anya ran down the deserted streets, the curiously deserted streets, which seem to only fill up whenever the character needs to have a revelation about humanity. Apparently Anya didn't need that right now. "Oh snap, I am in trou-ble!" She cried.  
  
"More than you know." Anya stopped dead in her tracks, her silver stiletto boots skidding on the pavement.  
  
"Riley? What is your spud ass doin back heah?" Anya put her hand on her hip as she spoke to Sir Spud of the Round Potato.  
  
"I'm here to be a hero. Like before." Idaho struck a heroic pose.  
  
"No you wasn't. You was never no hero. You just had ugly sex with Buffy all damn day long. Damn bitch, the missionary ain't the only game in town sweetheart. Maybe if you had taken the Ferris wheel down and went into the haunted house once or twice, Buffy wouldn't have been so damn col."  
  
"Are you talking about," Irish product leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "oral sexual relations?"  
  
"Yes ah mean goin down on somebody ya damn fool!" Anya jumped up and down, her stiletto slicing through his shoe and into his foot, repeatedly. "What the hell is the matter wit you?" Riley strikes another heroic pose.  
  
"I'm a hero." A bright light flashed over Anya's orange hair.  
  
"Ahhh, ahhh. A man has deserted me. He is mean. I wish someone could help me." Anya lazily moved her arms up and down as if she was upset.  
  
"What are you doing?" D'Hoffryn appeared behind Chip and snapped his neck.  
  
"Damn. That was quick. And direct."  
  
"And now I will kill you, Anyanka."  
  
"Too bad, bitch, I'm outee!" Anya, her arms up in the air, began to run away in her skin tight, booty accentuating, pink leopard print skirt.  
  
"Outee? I do not understand. Hey, come back!"  
  
"Oh, fo shizzle ma nizzle," Anya gasped as she turned her head and saw D'Hoffryn gaining on her. "I wish you were somewhere far away."  
  
"What? Oh damnit." D'Hoffryn disappeared. Then reappeared. "Wait, you already used your wish. Anya?" He looked around, but the 1100 year old Ghetto-fabulous ex-demon was no where in sight.  
  
Anya was already on the next block racing towards the Summers home, as asking her boyfriend's opinion on anything besides wood carvings or Doritos would be futile. Haggard from running so long, and weighed down by her thirty bracelets and ten earrings, a bicycle built for two soon caught up with her.  
  
"Hello," said Wesley.  
  
"Hello," said Fred.  
  
"Who the fuck is this bitch?" said Anya, as she continued to run alongside the bike.  
  
"I'm Fred. I'm tiny and cute and my hair weighs more than me and I'm really smart and perky and perfect with little quirks to make me more cute and perfect-"she finally took a breath, "Say, do you want a computer I built while riding on the bike that I built?" Fred handed her a Dell Computer, which Anya caught while running.  
  
"No, bitch. You should have bought insurance!"  
  
"What?" Fred asked, as Anya heaved the computer back onto Fred, knocking her off the bike. Anya then ran up and hopped on the back of the bicycle.  
  
"All right, British man, get yo ass in geah and get me to Buffy's crib!"  
  
"I-um, you pushed her off-" Anya kicked Wesley in the back as her other foot hung limply by the pedals.  
  
"Move yo supah-tanned, crumpet-eatin, bony girl chasin, lyin' to the MOG ass now bitch, fo I stab yo ass!" Anya held tight onto the handles as Wesley sped away. "Slow down a bit, the colors are flyin' out mah haih," Anya demanded as she pulled her auburn locks into a bun.  
  
"May I ask why you need assistance?"  
  
"Cuz mah ol boss be chasin me down cuz ah don wanna work fo him any mo. Why you in Sunny D, L.A.'s nerd quotient already met o sumin?" Anya stretched back as she swigged some malt liquor while trying not to douse her cigarette.  
  
"No," Wesley snidely replied, "Fred and I were sent here to investigate what happened to Angel."  
  
"Why? He left o summin?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"Why'd they send you two bookworms?" Anya spit out a piece of gum onto the street as she asked.  
  
"They felt we- They hate us." Wesley sighed, and a billion wrinkled formed around his Chandler-like face.  
  
"Oh, damn boo, that's too bad. Now ove fassa, mah ass is getting tired from si-in here too damn long." Anya commanded from her position behind Wesley, legs hanging over her handlebars as she took out her compact to make sure her platinum cap was still firmly on her tooth, and her dark violet hair was still in place.  
  
"What have I gotten myself into?"  
  
"A whole mess a trouble if you don't staht peddlin fasser. Ooo, I love this ring. Why'd Puffy have to go an blow it?"  
  
"Puffy? You mean you date P. Diddy?" Wesley looked back at Anya, who was now wearing an oversized fur jacket, her blonde hair teased up about half a foot.  
  
"Diddy? Like I'd do his ass? No, ah'm talking bout Xander."  
  
"But, Puffy?"  
  
"No, see, Xander appears to have some sort of glandular deficiency, making him puffy, and also diminishing his ability to see or state jokes or hidden meanings. Now all he can do is state facts and be all expositiony-"  
  
"He's me!"  
  
"Hey! I wassin finished!"  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we're here."  
  
"Damn, that was fas. Now help me off the- ouff!" Wesley jumped off the bicycle, leaving Anya to fall off it.  
  
"Now get yo stank ass in the house, fo I kick it with mah pansy British foot!"  
  
And more! To come! Exclamation point! 


	9. Exposition, cha-cha-cha

As Xander and Tara helped fix up the living room, and Buffy helped Willow into the bathroom to calm her nerves, Spike walked out of the bathroom, scratching furiously.  
  
"What now? Did her spell give you the clap, too?" Tara smiled at Xander's comment, but Spike was not amused.  
  
"No, nothing like that. Everything's fine, except that the little bugger's sheddin. And Cor, he's bloody bitin me bloody legs bloody bloody!"  
  
"Spike," Buffy called from the upstairs bathroom, "Did you say anything about sex?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, cuz I won't have sex with a hamster."  
  
"Oh, like she'd have sex with you anyway." Xander laughed. Tara petted his head affectionately.  
  
"It must be nice where you're living."  
  
"Well Cor, sweetheart, what's a horny bugger to do?" Buffy traipsed down the steps as Spike questioned her.  
  
"I don't know. Tara, you're a gay-type person, right?"  
  
"Last time I checked."  
  
"What do you do without the trouser snake?" Buffy fondled Spike's zipper as she spoke, causing Spike to purr for the second time in his un- life.  
  
"Excuse me? That's very personal-"  
  
"We went down on each other a lot!" Willow yelled down the stairs to the group.  
  
"Oh my god, Willow! How could you say that?"  
  
"Calm down, she's just talking nonsense cuz she took the rest of my mom's old pain reducers." Buffy smiled as she pulled Spike up the stairs.  
  
"Could this day be any weirder?" As Tara said this the door burst open to reveal Anya, her bottle of malt liquor tastefully concealed by a small brown paper bag.  
  
"Hey, where's my baby? There you are, Puffy." Xander's face turned from surprise to joy as he opened his arms to hug Anya, who sucker-punched him. "Get up, bee-atch, its go time!" Wesley followed after her, and waved weakly at Tara.  
  
"I'm not really, 'with' her. I just gave her a ride."  
  
"That's nice. Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Angel's best friend."  
  
"That's nice. Never actually met the guy. Tell me about yourself."  
  
"Oh, alright. My skin is made of leather, I'm smart, arrogant, younger than Giles, less effective, and I can't seem to remember the last time I actually mattered. And you?"  
  
"Witch, lesbian, actor in a bad afterschool special. And closest to being the first college graduate of the Scoobies. Should we pull her off of him?" Tara pointed to the woman ripping Xander limb from chunky limb.  
  
"That or begin cheering, 'Jerry, Jerry'", Tara backed away from him and made a sick face, "Or we can just pull them off of one another."  
  
"Bitch, I'll cut you!"  
  
"Anya, what is up with you?"  
  
"I'm scared. Everythin's wrong and D'Hoffryn be after me and my hair is fallin out dawg." Anya fell into Xander's chest and began crying. They embraced, and all was forgiven, on his part, that is, with the forgiving. Cuz he still did a really bad thing and girls like Anya don't forget things like that. Tara does, even without the mind wipe, or because of it, I'm not sure, but you know what I mean. Oh wait, there's a story? Oh, ok.  
  
"Where's Angel?"  
  
"Evil."  
  
"No, I said, 'where.' Use proper English young lady."  
  
"You are- Xander, may I?" Tara turned to Xander, who nodded yes.  
  
"He doesn't matter to either one. Its cool."  
  
"Ok. Abscedere vanus vir!" Wesley disappeared into a cloud of tea.  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"We wait for Spike and Buffy to finish up, I smack the hell out of Willow, then we head to the Magic Box to find out what the hell is going on here." Tara barked as she stomped towards the stairs.  
  
"Ooo, this little guy looks cute." Anya stuck her five inch long nails through the weave of the laundry basket.  
  
"No, Anya! Pull out! That thing'll-" The .3% condom companies don't tell you about grabbed the nail and tore it off.  
  
"Damn, bitch! I'll get you!"  
  
"GRRRRRR! Ruff! Ruff!" Anya leapt back, her hands in a defensive position.  
  
"What the hell is wrong wit that crack baby?"  
  
"Plot inconsistencies. I think it must be affecting him on a molecular level." Anya opened her mouth to speak, but was stopped by what she heard upstairs.  
  
"Hey, baby. Wanna get high? I'll give you a hit."  
  
"I'll give you a hit too."  
  
"Oh, really? Oww! Owww! Oww! Stop it! Owww! Quit it! Owww!"  
  
Up next, S.E.X. (No, not S.earching E.verywhere for old X.ander) 


	10. Encounter

Spike and Buffy entered her bedroom quietly. "Shh, luv, don't want anyone to hear us go at it like rabbits in heat." Spike put his finger up to Buffy's fishy lips, and she pulled away.  
  
"Dang, you're fingers are really cold."  
  
"No they are not!" Spike pulled his hand away defensively, "They're room temperature. Now lets get on with the sexually sexual sex that is very sensually sexy." Spike pulled down his pants.  
  
"I told you," Buffy said as she pulled Spike's pants back up, "I'm not going to be a sexual guinea pig for your, well, sexual guinea pig." Buffy then laid down on her bed and began squirming out of her Children's size 6 boot cut jeans.  
  
"Well my hamster wants to go through his maze, is that so wrong, Blondie?" Buffy lifted her head up off the pillow, and stared at Spike, hands on hips, at the foot of her bed.  
  
"Yes! Now go downtown or you are never taking the subway!" Buffy pointed to her love chalice of loverly delightful magical pleasure bringing area as she spoke. Spike knelt down on the bed, ripping off his shirt and exposing his razor-sharp abdominals to her. He put his cold, dead fingers on her tight stomach, then inched his hand down her abdomen toward her love chalice of loverly delightful magical pleasure bringing area.  
  
"Are you ready, baby?" Spike kicked open Buffy's legs wide, ripping her pants that were down at her ankles in half. "Cuz blimey, I'm gonna pull out all the stops."  
  
"Stops- Oh shoot! Wait a second!" Buffy leapt up and baby-footed her way into the bathroom, covering her love chalice of loverly delightful magical pleasure bringing area, to get rid of her Tampax. "Wouldn't want him chomping down on this, that's for sure."  
  
"I smell somein in the air. Blimey Cor Bloody 'ell! Its Menstruation!" Leaping up off the bed, Spike zoomed into the bathroom, knocking Buffy into the tub as he searched for his prize.  
  
"Spike? What are you doing?" She asked while lifting her half-naked body and exposed love chalice of loverly delightful magical pleasure bringing area out of the tub.  
  
"Where is it, where is it?" Spike frantically through tissues and toilet paper and old razor blades and one of Willow's syringes around.  
  
"What are you looking for?"  
  
"Your stuff, your prize, your pearl in the Bloody bloody clam! Ahh! There it is!" Spike chomped down on it like a Hershey bar.  
  
"What the hell? Eww. You are so nasty. That is just foul. Its over between us." Buffy stomped out of the bathroom to get some underwear and a new pair of pants on, as Willow rushed into the bathroom, her nose bleeding profusely.  
  
"What are you doing here, Red?"  
  
"Oh damn, oh damn. Tara messed me up, and I took a hit to calm my nerves, you know, and then I started bleedin real bad. Where's the Valuim?" Seeing the nose problem, Spike sauntered over to Willow, placing on hand on her shoulder, and letting the other close the door shut.  
  
"Don't have any Valuim, Ruby. But I know a way to calm you down real nice."  
  
"Pot?" Willow perked her head up, her bloodshot eyes filled with heroin-addicted life.  
  
"Damn, bloody hell! Antithesis of Cor!" Spike swung the door open and stomped out. Willow fell to the floor in convulsions. Buffy ran into the bathroom to check up on her Spike, as she was ready to forgive him for a moment until he gave her an orgasm and then run away and cry again, but was stopped by Willow's jerky motions on the floor.  
  
"Willow, is this some magic thing? If it is, you'll be in a lot of trouble. Willow? Willow?" The reader's imagination swung in really close to see just Buffy's lollipop head. "Willowy?"  
  
Is this the end of our Willow? No, no it is not.  
  
"Willow, thank god you're alright," Buffy said as she lifted Willow up off the ground. "I was so worried I had lost you to magic again." Buffy looked for an answer, and Willow's head rolled back, her tongue halfway down her throat. "What's that?" Buffy held her ear up as if to listen hard to what she had to say, "You wanna go downstairs? Great idea, Will. You always have great ideas. Always have great ideas." Buffy rocked back and forth as she carried Willow's body down the stairs. As they made their way into the living room, the four adults there gasped, except, of course, Spike, who had just remembered he was a vampire, and decided to scowl instead. Still, it was a sexy, ambiguously evil sort of scowl.  
  
"Oh my god, Willow!" Tara ran to her former girlfriend, attempting to determine whether or not she was alive. "I- she's gonna die!"  
  
"No she's not," Buffy corrected with a smile, "Willow's not gonna die. Nobody is. My life is fucking hell and no way is some smarmy little magic-ho gonna ruin it further by dying on me. Willow's just resting. See," Buffy held up her friend's hand, then let it drop limply at her side, "just resting."  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy," Xander said as he approached her cautiously, "but it looks like-"  
  
"That bitch is dead." Anya said with a neck roll, her red hair flapping about as she did so.  
  
"No, she isn't. My mom died. I died. Nobody else died." Tara and Xander gingerly began lifting the corpse of off Buffy as she spoke.  
  
"Now, Buffy, death is bad. But death doesn't stop with you and your mom."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm-" Xander stalled, "Doin a happy dance." Xander danced around the room, dropping his half of Willow on Tara.  
  
"Zander, you bastard! You dropped Willow!" Buffy lunged for her hefty friend and began beating on him. Anya wheeled around, her finger still twirling the bit of gum that hung from her mouth to her nail.  
  
"Don be touchin mah man, you skanky ho!" Anya jumped on Buffy. Spike opened his pants and gave his little friend a crouton from the cupboard.  
  
"There you go, little mate. Now you can grow big and strong." Tara rolled her eyes as she dragged Willow into the dining room and, using common household items, began a ritual to remove the toxins from Willow's body in order to restart a normal, gay heartbeat.  
  
"Diana, look upon your fallen follower and bless her with pure heart. This I beg of you, Diana!" Tara lifted up her hands in the sacred circle, and Diana herself entered the room.  
  
"Why did you call me?"  
  
"I need you to save Willow."  
  
"You mean that trashy thing coughing on her own vomit?" Diana pointed to the floor and Tara rolled Willow on her side.  
  
"Yes. Please-"  
  
"Promise me you two will be normal. No beating each other up, no putting spells on each other. And no, I repeat no, drug use, unless you are using it in a ritual to praise me and you immediately kill the first person with a penis you see. Kapesh?"  
  
"I understand."  
  
"Fine. Evil be gone, blablabla heal you cakes." Willow's body glowed a bright green, and then she coughed once, and sat up. "My work here is done. Crazy bitcas."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I called you crazy bitches."  
  
"Oh, ok. Bye now!" Willow stood up and the two girls waved at Diana in a gay way, in that one of Willow's hands was waving while inside Tara's front pocket.  
  
"O…K…Bye." A bright light flashed and Diana was gone, save some smoke in the shape of the sign of woman power, which faded quickly as Buffy entered.  
  
"Willow! Yay!" Buffy jumped into Willow's arms, tackling her. "I'm so glad you're more alive than you were!"  
  
"I know. Its great. And now I can start my new life, living with Tara and being totally clean all the time. Oops!" Willow said as she pulled a needle from between her toes. "How'd that get there?"  
  
"Oh, Willow!" Tara went down…on the ground and began kissing Willow un Wblike. Buffy, who was now in the middle, began to squirm to get out.  
  
"Ooo, Buffy got herself lesbiana now." Anya sassed as she walked into the room, Xander following close behind.  
  
"No," Buffy replied, as she pulled herself out from between the two ladies, "I just got mixed up. Willow's alive and I got happy. Speaking of, where's Spike?"  
  
"In here," Spike replied from the living room, "Though I suggest you don't come in. Blimey Cor, we have company." The blonde bombshell stood his ground, as the Master, Annie Hall, Dawnie-poo, Mr. Trick, Olaf, Warren, Harmony, Sunday, (those two together sound like a holiday, don't they?) and Darla filled up the front half of the living room, the Mayor, of course, poking his head in through the window.  
  
"I love what you've done with the window treatments. Very Old World. The Oak finish is a nice touch."  
  
Back in the kitchen, the group realized that only one evil doer could possible freak Spike out while at the same time compliment Buffy on her home décor. "Are you thinking-"  
  
"That bitch from Trading Spaces? Stupid hay on walls. What the fuck does she know?" Tara fumed.  
  
"Its ok, baby, don't spiral," Willow comforted her, then whispered to the rest of the gang, "Its her thing. She hates Hilde." There was an uncomfortable silence, which Xander broke while eating a box of already opened croutons.  
  
"Um, good guess, Tara, but I think that was the Mayor."  
  
"Give us the baby or we'll, like, kill you more than we are, um, already going to!"  
  
"Harmony." The group said in unison, save Tara, who was trying to remember her characterization.  
  
"Ha-har-Harmony?" Willow rubbed Tara's back.  
  
"Good job. Now lets all run out the back door."  
  
"Agreed!" Everyone ran out, Xander coming back twice. Once, for the post natal depression, and again, for the box of croutons. 


	11. On the move

Inside a motel room, next to Anya's crib- sorry, room, sat three lonely souls. They looked downtrodden and dejected. Forgotten pieces of a past which was praised by many, scorn by few. Yet here they sat, remnants of the Old Guard, abandoned.  
  
"This sucks. We should be in this story."  
  
"Calm down, Cordelia, Poly/Tom/Aidan, whatever the hell his name is is trying very hard to accommodate us all," Giles soothed the young? woman with a friendly pat on the knee. Oz stood up and paced around.  
  
"This just isn't fair. We are a big load of stuff to make fun of. I could be screwing Willow as we speak, Tara having died two years ago from some lesbian-witch disease, giving Willow her blessing or whatever. But nooooo, we have to hear about that stuttering bitch go on about 'Trading Spaces'. That show sucks!"  
  
"Wow, Oz," Cordy mused, "That's about the longest I've ever heard you speak, like, ever. How does it feel?"  
  
"I think my throat is closing up." Oz sat back down again, rubbing his neck. Cordelia felt it was her turn, and jumped up, careful to hide the plastic implant on her ass which said 'Sell by July 23, 1970', and took center stage.  
  
"Its just so stupid! When are we going to get our cameo, when are we getting featured?" As the motel faded to black, Giles answered her.  
  
"I think we just did."  
  
"What?"  
  
  
  
"Damn it!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, the Scooby Gang ran down the street manically. They knew that they couldn't keep running for much longer, but they had to continue, they had to make it past the graveyard and –  
  
"Oww!" Xander yelled as he tripped over a moving object, a vampire, flopping about like a fish. "Wait?" The rest of the group stopped, "Drusilla?" At the mention of her name, Drusilla popped up, as if in a cartoon.  
  
"Hello. Hello Spoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…."She twirled her hair as she spoke, clearly bored, "yyyyyyyyk."  
  
"Hello, you bloody crazy blimey un-Cor-like strumpet."  
  
"You speak to the hilltops and they goosey-loosey about. Zebras tell me things, tell me everything in the rainbow book dragon water happy pants."  
  
"Huh?" was the response she received.  
  
"Beep." Dru replied, as she touched Willow's bloodied nose. "Tew lla sti."  
  
"Oh my god! Goddess! Whatever! Willow, you're taking drugs again?" Willow turned her face to her girlfriend.  
  
"What do you mean, baby? I'm still good to you."  
  
"How did you even take drugs, we were running the entire time?"  
  
"Oh, I made a few coke lines on Zander's box of croutons."  
  
"That was coke? I thought that was powdered sugar!"  
  
"Well what did you do with it?"  
  
"I added it to my croutons!"  
  
"Wu-uhoh." Willow backed up and fell into a grave.  
  
"Oh snap. That looks like overly-obvious foreshadowin to me, girl- frien." Anya wiggled over toward the edge of the grave and pointed at the tombstone. 'Here Lies Reviled Finn. He ruined the show- a lot.'  
  
"Will, get out of the grave now!" Xander screamed, his eyebrows arched higher than Dawn's voice.  
  
"Willow, stand up and we'll pull you out. Xander, Xander, stop shaking."  
  
"Beans, always the beans." Xander rocked back and forth in his seated position, while Dru mimicked him.  
  
"They are good for your heart."  
  
"Ok, um, damn." Anya poked Dru in the shoulder, "Get away from my crazy man, you crazy woman."  
  
"Damnit," Tara interrupted as she reached her hand down to her red- headed druggie girlfriend, "Will somebody help me? Buffy? Buffy?"  
  
"The pie said goodbye as the princess left the tower to hop on the frog Mixillplix!"  
  
"Um, I think she means that bitch is gone." Anya and Tara looked around, and indeed, Spike and Buffy were no where to be seen.  
  
"I wonder where they are?" Xander choked out as he fidgeted on the grass.  
  
"It means they are [TWOP alert] having sex, repeatedly, in many different positions. [/TWOP alert]. Damn, you one thick-headed fool." Anya then pushed Dru onto her back, as she shouted, "Get off and stop molestin my fiancée. Crazy ho bag."  
  
  
  
  
  
In another part of the same graveyard, Buffy and Spike were letting loose their inhibitions. However, there was still one problem. "Won't you at least try it, [TWOP alert] Vanilla sky?"[/TWOP alert]  
  
"No, Spoyk. I mean, Spike. It has eyes, beady little eyes."  
  
"Well, I used to have one. Do you want me to cut the left one out?" The hamster shivered and scrunched up its body, as if Spike had just gone swimming.  
  
"No! Besides, the eyes blink. Yours never did. And it has ears and whiskers and little hands and feet." Buffy titled her head and made a little animal noise, and the hamster replied in kind.  
  
"Well I'll get rid of the hands and feet. They've been clawing at my legs all day. My thighs are bloody bloody, like I just had me own period. Mmmmm…" Buffy furrowed her brow and wiped the drool off Spike's chin.  
  
"No. Even without the eyes or legs, there's still the mouth. Hamsters have a tendency to chew on things. And my love chalice of loverly delightful magical pleasure bringing area is not hamster food."  
  
"Your what? Blimey Cor, that's the frumpiest thing I've ever heard."  
  
"Really? You mean you never read your poetry allowed?" At that moment, Buffy was sure if hamsters attached to vampires at the genitals could laugh, that is what the hamster was doing. Spike, of course, was shocked.  
  
"Bitch!" Spike slapped her. He's a vampire. That's what vampires do. "Owww!" Hamsters bite. That's what his did.  
  
"Yes!" Buffy gave the hamster a high five. "He is so darn cute!"  
  
"No he's not! He's evil and sexy and dangerous."  
  
"Aww, he has a crouton still in his mouth pouch- oh my God. You let Xander eat them after you gave it to your hamster?!"  
  
"Yeah, so?" Spikes sat up, his abs squeezing together to form one large pale wall of muscle. "The little one needs his food."  
  
"Oh dear. This time, I mean it. We are seriously though."  
  
"We haven't even had sex for like, and entire hour! You're killing me here, luv." Buffy stood up, pulling on her washcloth-shirt, and grabbed the hamster. "owwWW! Oh, there we go, that's the stuff, my lil' hostess."  
  
"I'm not trying to give you a spike, Spike. I'm trying to free Mr. Fuzzles from you." Buffy continued to tug, dragging Spike along the grass.  
  
"Mr. What?"  
  
"That's his name. I gave him. In my mind…It's cute!" Buffy tug once more and ended up falling on her bony bottom and uprooting a couple flowers.  
  
"Well he stays with me!" Spike pet Mr. Fuzzles, then, realizing what he was doing, shoved the cooing creature into his pants, zipped up, and jumped into a standing position. "And mark my words, Slayer, I will kill you."  
  
"Ok. I was gonna say I'm ready for sex now but it just seems sort of out of place at the moment."  
  
"Damn!" Spike kicked the well-placed can in front of him, "Why do I always time these things wrong?"  
  
"Buffy!" The itty bitty teeny-weeny yellow tressed polka-dot dressed slayerini whipped her head around in the direction of the Scoobies, and ran into the clearing just in time to see Oz holding Tara at gunpoint.  
  
"Oz, gun? Willow, grave? Zander, shaking? Anya, what color hair? Oz, gun?" Buffy stared at her friends all in turn.  
  
"Yes, I have a gun."  
  
"I'm in a hole for Riley. Look," Willow said as she jumped and made a swimming motion, [TWOP alert]"I'm Riley diving!"[/TWOP alert]  
  
"The bees, the bees are stinging me." Xander shook as Dru began picking off the imaginary bees and eating them.  
  
"It hasn't been discovered yet. I'm callin it, 'Fabu-Money-Green." Anya said as she swished her hips and waved her hand around.  
  
"Again, I have a gun. And I will shoot this stupid girl if I don't get some more time in the story." Buffy held up her hands as she inched closer to Oz, wary of the gun pointed at Tara's head, which trembled in a non-gay way.  
  
"Oh. Why?"  
  
"Because, I was a big part of the show. I deserve more than some lame ass joke at the beginning of some boring chapter! I was Oz! Willow's BOYfriend! I was in a band, I had many different hair colors, I was cool. And then this lame-o girl has to come and mess it all up by making Willow like her. Willow isn't even a lesbian. She loved me and Zander, that twitchy asshole. I can speak now, even. So give me more time!" Oz's finger twitched at the trigger.  
  
"Ok." Buffy took a deep breath, preparing to utilize her slayer powers in something besides sex. "Oz, give me the gun. Willow, that was nasty. Zander, is that coke on your croutons? Stop eating them. Anya, stop the hair thing, its weird, and its making you into a Lil Kim stereotype, and cover that one boob. Oz, Willow has 'accidentally' walked in on me in the shower too many times for her not to be gay as Zander is puffy-"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Come on, it's a fact. Anyway, you won't get in the story anymore because Dru has crept behind you and is about to bite your neck, Tara's going to duck down, Anya's gonna pull Willow out of the grave, and I'm gonna kick Dru and you into it, thereby taking you out of the story. Sorry."  
  
"What?" in a second Dru chomped down, Tara ducked, Anya pulled Willow out of the grave, and Buffy pushed Dru and her new buddy into it.  
  
"Wow. That was easy. Now, troops, lets head out. We have some book learnin' to do." Willow tugged Buffy's arm.  
  
"Can we learn about Jesus? He's apparently the only way to truly kill all the demons in the world. He was the only male slayer. I'm so glad he died for our sins, and killed all those vampires with his loving touch."  
  
"Huh?" Buffy asked. Tara moved in quick to catch hold of Willow's arm as she stumbled.  
  
"I think the fall and the coke has made her a little delirious."  
  
"That isn't true Foofee Nono. Fetch me my wand." Xander gave Willow a stick. "Princess!" She collapsed, and Xander lifted her up and over his shoulder, in a totally non straight way.  
  
"Zander, you're all better?"  
  
"I guess. I sucked all the coke out of me and put it in one of my flesh pockets. I'm like a camel of drugs."  
  
"Ok then, we're off, fina-fucking-ly, to the Magic Box. To defeat people, and have seeeexxx…" Tara glared at Buffy. "To research and be boring and save the world and I better not have to die this time." The group walked determinedly toward the store as Dru gorged herself on Oz.  
  
"MMMmmm, the woodenness is yummy purple unicorn surprise flounder." 


	12. Last and certainly least

"Well, that was a big failure." Angie Everhart lamented as he slumped into an armchair in the Summers' living room.  
  
"Yeah, and Buffy didn't get to see me and then pay attention to me. Me, me, me!" Dawn flounced around the room and then fell into a small chair. The Master tried to keep the rest of the group upbeat.  
  
"Come on people," He scanned the room, "and not so much people. We have them on the run. This is a good thing."  
  
"Whatever. I don't even know why I was brought here." Sunday snapped.  
  
"Simple," the Master replied, "Because you are some of the greatest Bads Buffy has ever faced. And Harmony's here too. You have truly rattled her, played with her, made her fear her life was falling apart. And Harmony's here too. So I brought you back so we can finally kill the slayer and open up the Hellmouth. With Harmony."  
  
"Hi. Um, I was just wondering, um, like, um, so are we actually going to kill all of them, or just Buffy?"  
  
"We'll be killing all of them. Yes. It will be a glorious day for vampyrdom," Olaf grunted, "and trolldom," Dawn flounced, "and bitchy, flouncing, shiny-haired, lame-duck character, kleptomaniac, boring teenagerdom," Dawn made her odd smile face and the Master waited for the Mayor to make a comment, but nothing happened. "Where the hell is that farty old demon?" Swiftly the head of the Mayor slithered back into the open window, holding a plate of cookies.  
  
"They're my specialty. Snickerdoodles for all."  
  
"Wow, even for me?" Dawn looked surprised and happy as she graciously took a cookie. The others soon crept over to the plate, but found it empty.  
  
"What the?" Mr. Trick called out. The Big Bads, and Harmony, turned to Dawn, who had the cookies stuffed down her shirt.  
  
"Wshad?" Dawn said through a mouthful of cinnamony goodness.  
  
"You horrible, whining sack of hair and nasal passages!" Olaf swung his plain new troll hammer at Dawn, who turned her back to him and let her shiny, shiny hair blind him. Confused, Olaf winded up taking off Harmony's head, still holding her dazed and confused look as she became dust, and hairspray.  
  
"Alright, problems are solved. Lets go kill some people." The Master clapped his hands together and walked out the door, followed by Darla, who was now fondling Angel's magically changing and disappearing tattoo on his back through the velvet, The Mayor, Sunday, Mr. Trick, Warren, and Dawn left the house. Olaf attempted to do, but, still blinded, he fell down the basement steps.  
  
  
  
Across town, but no more than a clever segue away, the Scoobies searched through every text they could find for some mention of an embarrassing number of plot inconsistencies. Each time they found something, they found they were mistaken.  
  
"That's it," Xander cried, "we're never getting to the bottom of this! Or even the lower half! We're barely skimming the surface of a kiddie pool!"  
  
"It isn't that bad," Anya replied, as she wriggled her arms out of her Swimmies. "This is more of an intermediary pool. Don't you agree, baby?" The brunette woman extended a hand to the fallopian fallacy, who snapped at her while sitting in his duck-shaped inner tube. "Ack! That is one messed up baby."  
  
"Guys!" Buffy bitched, rubbing her legs on one of the legs of the table she sat at, "We have work to do! Work to do. Working it, working it good, working it-"  
  
"Buffy!" Tara yelled as she kicked her friend in the knee, "You can't do that right now."  
  
"Oh, I think I found something!" Willow exclaimed.  
  
"It better not be like five minutes ago, when you 'found' your fifth finger." Xander remarked sarcastically.  
  
"I'm telling you it wasn't there before. Anyway, it says here that some sort of strange convergence is, one second," Willow leaned over to take another hit, but Tara snatched it off the table. "I want my hash pipe!"  
  
"Well, I got your hash pipe." Willow stepped on Tara's shoe and took the pipe from her.  
  
"You got your problems... I got my hash pipe." Buffy smacked Willow over the head, causing her to spit out some Vicoden.  
  
"Damn it, Willow. Get back to the reading. I don't speak whatever this language is."  
  
"English?"  
  
"Shut up and read."  
  
"Fine," Willow huffed, in a non-drug type way, "this book says that all we have to do is kill those trying to open the Hellmouth within a minute and the Hellmouth will stay closed and none of them will be able to come back. Ever. Except in warm, gooey fantasies." Buffy's mind wandered to the one thing she had longed for, that one night, of pure, unadulterated bliss. The time she knew she was perfect. Nothing else mattered except their two bodies. Everything else just fell away.  
  
"God, I wish I was having sex with the Master."  
  
"What?!" Buffy looked around at the piercing, judging eyes staring at her in horror and confusion.  
  
"Did I just think out loud?"  
  
"Yeeeessss." Xander answered her, as he tried to shove the fickle fetus into a cat-carrying case.  
  
"Oh. Ok. So…How do we kill all of those baddies in one minute?"  
  
"We can call upon the four again!" Willow jumped up out of her seat. "Whoa, head rush."  
  
"No, that can't work. Giles isn't here." Buffy continued to ponder as Willow sat down and got up again repeatedly to try and get another head rush. "We need something sweeping. Something big, something big and strong. Spike, what does Mr. Fuzzles think?" Spike jumped out of his seat, angry and sulking and steamy and stuff.  
  
"What? You're asking him for advice now? What has he done for you?"  
  
"He's cute. And full of life. And unlike you, he has a soul!" Buffy stood up against Spike, their pulsating bodies centimeters from each other.  
  
"So? He's my thingy. If he has a soul that means I have one now too." They stopped, then both looked away from each other.  
  
"If you have a soul, I can love you."  
  
"If I have a hamster, I can't get me some slayer bloody booty Cor blimey."  
  
"If you get rid of the hamster, I can't love you."  
  
"If I get rid of this bloody hamster, I can get me some slayer bloody booty Cor blimey."  
  
"Spike. I think I-"  
  
"Want me to get rid of the damn, hamster, will do!" Spike leapt over Buffy and grabbed Tara by the arm. "Undo the spell, you blubbering ninny, before I decide to get some lunch."  
  
"Chip." Tara kicked Spike in the shin and he smacked her across the face, sending rivets of pain up and down his toned body.  
  
"OWWW! Sod off you stupid git! Now change me back!" Spike spat at the girl lying on the ground, and Willow, in a coke-induced rage, attacked.  
  
"Die monstrous fiend!" She punched him in the arm and he kicked her away sending bolts of pain through his body.  
  
"What are you going to do now, Rosey?" Willow's eyes went black as she lifted herself up in the air, and motioned with her hands for the slug candles to lift up, and light.  
  
"I'm gonna have a barbecue. Ignis!" A large blast of flame scorched through the air, nearly burning Spike, who, again remembering he's a vampire, ran away. Xander, for his part, grabbed Anya and tossed her back into the little pool for protection."  
  
"Willow! Why did you do that?" Willow dropped to the ground, refreshed looking, happy, perky, and a bit quirky. She smiled meekly, then ran over to help Tara up.  
  
"Willow, you- your clothes…your shoes…"  
  
"What about them?" Willow looked down at her bright orange bowling shoes, paired with dark green cargo khakis and a bubble-gum pink fuzzy sweater with a design of a barking, tan colored dog on the front.  
  
"You look like crap!" Tara began hugging her girlfriend tightly, "You're ok, you're ok!" Willow accepted the hug readily. "Now we can use magic to help Buffy get Mr. Fuzzles." The two girls sat down on a table and made a circle with their fingers. They joined hands and began chanting.  
  
"Diana, we are really sorry for bothering you again, but we just need a little help in getting Mr. Fuzzles off of Spike. Please help us. We beg of you. Diana, we are really sorry for bothering you again-" In a poof Diana returned.  
  
"What in my name do you two want now?" Dian stood, hands on her hips, as she spoke to the two young ladies.  
  
"Listen, we're really happy for everything you've done for us, but what we need is for you to give us the magical ability to remove Mr. Fuzzles from Spike, so Spike can't hurt him in order to get a- well, a regular thingy."  
  
"He was never regular," Buffy shook her head at the girls.  
  
"What is Buffy talking about, they never saw each other naked?" Xander asked aloud. Anya turned her head and knocked on her ex- fiancée's noggin.  
  
"Is there anything in there besides meats and cheeses?"  
  
"The finest meats and cheeses." Diana looked at all of them with disgust.  
  
"Whatever. Here. Power for every fucking person in the entire world, just never call me again!" In a poof of womanly power, she was gone.  
  
"I wonder if she's having her period." Spike ran back into the room at the mention, and looked furiously around for signs of his prize.  
  
"Well, where is it?" Tara and Willow rejoined hands as they stood up and faced the blond bimbo, well, one of them, the male one.  
  
"Relegare absque ægrotus!" Spike's eyes glowed a fierce yellow, letting one know that magic was a foot, or a hamster, or, oh forget it. The orb of Thesila, which happened to be in the store at the time and right next to the girls as well, glowed, and the hamster appeared inside the ball.  
  
"Mr. Fuzzles, you're alright!" Buffy ran to the orb and hugged it tight. Mr. Fuzzles, for his part, put a paw up to the part glass her cheek was smushed up against. "Thank you guys!" Buffy, still holding Mr. Fuzzles, ran over to her best lesbian friends and gave them a big hug. Anya and Xander got out of the pool and ran into the hug too.  
  
"We want hugs, we want hugs."  
  
"Awwww" They all cooed, except Spike, who looked around for something that wasn't there.  
  
"Where's my-"  
  
"Mr. Fuzzles is with us now, Spike. And you are never getting him back." Buffy held the orb tightly to her body.  
  
"Bloody hell. That's it. I'm out a here. I hope you all die, and I shag all your corpses."  
  
"Even mine?" Xander fretted.  
  
"Especially yours." Spike whipped on a [TWOP alert] Mr. T gold chain, so you knew he meant bidness,[/TWOP alert] and stormed out of the Magic Box.  
  
"Well that was a pointless diversion," Anya retorted, "Now how do we kill years of Big Bads in a minute?"  
  
"Oh, I know!" Willow ran over behind the counter, "D'Hoffryn gave me his locket thingy, and inside was a free wish, no consequences," Willow pulled it out of a drawer, "D'Hoffryn, come to me." In a big bang D'Hoffryn appeared.  
  
"You called, Willow? Ready for evil and such? Cuz I would be very down with that, yes, very down, yo," he announced in a very monotone inflection.  
  
"Oh. We- I have a free wish. So gimme."  
  
"Oh, fine. What is your wish?"  
  
"A pon-" Xander quickly covered her mouth.  
  
"We'll get you one later, just wish the wish you said you'd wish before."  
  
"Fine, poopy-head. I wish that all those gathered together to open the Hellmouth would die, disinegrate, be transported into another dimension, what have you. Ok?"  
  
"Done. Sure you don't wanna join us? We'll give you a pony." Willow put a finger to her chin and pondered, but Buffy answered D'Hoffryn by bouncing the hamster-Thesila ball off of his noggin.  
  
"No. Now shoo." D'Hoffryn disappeared. "Does it work immediately?"  
  
  
  
Across the street, the Big Bad Coalition strode toward the Magic Box, but were stopped by severe stomach pain, causing them to collapse on the ground.  
  
"I think we're having our special time!" The Mayor called out.  
  
"Can't be," Alli-Baba corrected, "Spike hasn't humped us yet."  
  
"We must be, cuz I am totally PMSing!" Sunday screamed.  
  
"Stop doing that! Stop not paying attention to me! I hurt too!" Dawn whined.  
  
"Shut-up Dawn!" Was the last phrase she heard, or the rest of the group said. They disappeared in a cloud of evil and hair products. Nothing left but the echo of Dawn's vaporizing catchphrase, "Get ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuutttttttt"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Did you guys just hear Dawn?" Buffy asked.  
  
"No, not really. Then again, I usually drown out her voice with the soothing sounds of Sade." Xander sighed.  
  
"Wait, so this is it?" Tara asked.  
  
"I guess."  
  
"But, it doesn't make sense," Anya continued Tara's thought, "I mean, where's Dawn? And Wesley's in another dimension for all we know and what do we do with that baby thing and a lot of things made no sense and wasn't D'Hoffryn chasing me before?" The three original Scoobies merely blinked repeatedly at them.  
  
"I don't get it. The hamster killed the baby," Xander pointed to the orb of Thesila, sitting atop the crushed Connor, "Wesley's right here," Xander pointed to Wesley, who sat with Cordelia and Gunn in the far end of the room, "Dawn died with the other evil things," Xander pointed outside, where the dust blew away to reveal five pounds of stolen goods left behind, "And as we all know D'Hoffryn just wanted to give you a belated Easter card." D'Hoffryn returned with a card which had a picture of a duck on the front, and a decapitated bunny on the inside.  
  
"Oh, thank god." Anya fell back into Xander's puffy chest.  
  
"The hardest thing thing in the world," Xander began.  
  
"I don't wanna hear it anymore, 'is to live in it.' Oye." Buffy cut in.  
  
"Live, shmive. The hardest thing in the world is not to get quoted." Xander rolled his eyes in the back of his puffy skull and turned to Tara, who raised her hand.  
  
"Ok, then can I have a question?" Tara inquired.  
  
"Sure." Buffy happily replied as she pet Mr. Fuzzles.  
  
"What happened to Drusilla?"  
  
"Oh dear. Lets suit up, Scoobs," Mr. Fuzzles grabbed a letter opener with his front paws and stood at attention, causing Buffy to laugh, "He is so cute!" Everyone laughed and laughed, as Dru probably killed a whole lot of innocent people. She probably killed about ten people total in that one night, but Mr. Fuzzles was just so cute he completely made up for it. I guess. I don't know. I'm not a very moral person, so I really wouldn't know. Maybe. I guess, I mean, you gotta admit he's hella cute.  
  
Finis.  
  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer- Everything you read is very wrong. It doesn't belong to me, but to other people. Joss Whedon, ME, FOX, and crap own it.  
  
And yes, it is stupid to put this last. But the thing is, I don't FUCKING CARE! 


End file.
